I Hate Dirty Communists Who Know Things About Pop Culture

Last Saturday, OHT participated in a trivia competition to benefit the blind, and lost to a team of high-ranking Harvard College Democrats. As you can see, that did not make Correspondent Frances Martel very happy:

Dearest readers,
I have a shameful confession to make: I willingly participated in a charity event—and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

The Delta Gamma Anchorbowl trivia “contest” for the benefit of some unspecified “blind” (I assume this includes the blind girl whom I accidentally asked to take my picture…oops! [Editor’s Note: Frances, if you start showing little pieces of a conscience you’re going to lose all your comedic appeal]) was actually a proletariat training session. In between questions about egalité team sports and daytime’s very own minority Robin Hood (Oprah Winfrey), contestants were given the full “illegal immigrant fleeing from the law” experience. Teams were crushed into each other, forced to slobber all over the Mather Big TV Room couches submerged in sweat, Dr. Pepper, and high-quality Soviet ooze. But even this would have been forgivable had the entire event not been a partisan sham of astronomical proportions.

It soon became apparent that no amount of superhuman useless knowledge could overpower the moles in our midst. Comprised of a fruity assortment of hippie protesters and slightly more menacing leftist deviants led by Harvard Democrats autocrat Jarret “Karl Rove is Like Ann Coulter but Somehow that’s a Bad Thing” Zafran, a ragtag group of revolutionaries stormed the already off-color affair like a renegade Vietnam war squadron at the 1964 Democratic convention. They even planted a Republican-looking (blond sweater-over-button-down) character in a chair right behind me who felt the sudden urge to stand up and step all over myself and comrade-in-arms Alex Copulsky about seven times per 10-question round. Needless to say we didn’t stand a chance, and the communist delegation took the grand prize: a luxury cruise to Cuba… or Uno’s… or something.

While there is nothing I can do to regain my lost dignity and revive my faith in the human spirit at Harvard, at least my tale of terror serves as a warning: if you, dear reader, ever find yourself in a sea of Clinton-loving, America-hating, trivia-knowing communist sorority girls in far-off Matherland, home of Soviet block housing, grab your loved ones and escape before the brainwashing process is complete and you’re walking around clad in just a beret and a machete.