This report was filed at approximately 3:30 AM by a tearful reporter found in the middle of Dunster Street. While screaming about visions of "pillars of fire," we found on the beleaguered soul's body this dispatch...
We thought it was not possible. The Grand Illusion has broken into a thousand minute, scattered pieces. The Houses of Harvard, once unified in amity and prosperity, have turned on each other in a massive, utterly deleterious war threatening the very bonds that have held this university together for so long. On Saturday, May 03, 2008, the call went out throughout the Houses that the negotiations held by the League of Nations of Harvard, the so-called “Undergraduate Council,” had failed. With this, we heard immediate reports of mobilization orders sent throughout the Quad as Currier and Cabot prepared to settle their scores once and for all. The belligerent move was not localized: the move spurred similar orders from Lowell to Mather, from Dunster to Eliot, with even some reports of DeWolfe and Claverly students forgetting the bonds that once held them together and joining their mother Houses in this conflict. Indeed, the so-called “Turf War” as military strategists in the houses have begun to refer to it, has taken the houses by storm. Recruits are lining up to prepare for this final battle; a certain joie de vivre has spread through the ranks, an esprit de corps not seen since the last Great Turf War. Many people are claiming “it will all be over by Primal Scream,” with quick victories being predicted for some of the larger, more populous houses. However, the rampant militarism of Eliot House, compared to the similar ethos found in the German Empire during the days prior to WWI, has created a massive military force preparing the overtake its neighbors on the river and emerge as the force in the conflict. Leverett, however, maintains the overwhelming majority of numbers, and mighty Mather maintains a spirited, almost fervent jingoism seeking to acquire total dominance over the Yard.
Only 10 minutes ago, a bleary and almost delirious Matt Sundquist '09, the head of the UC and so-called “mediator” between the Houses, made one last desperate call for the houses to “stop this ceaseless violence” and possibly just “chillax” with him. "Word" was his final sign-off to a Harvard Hall classroom that increasingly emptied of representatives. UC Leverett rep Joyce Yan Zhang '09 declared that "no longer will we be beholden to Mather's childish rants and poorly-edited videos" in response to Sundquist's strident appeals. It seemed that only that Vice President Randall Sarafa '09 stood by his President, as well as several freshmen reps who either demanded they remained neutral or were fearful of declaring allegiance to a weak House. Either way, the House War Ministers ignored the President's appeals.
"HEED THE CERVINE CALL" was the exhortation sounding through the basements of Dunster as conscripts lined up to "Fight for the Porters!" and to "Protect the Moose!" Though a small military force was placed in defense of the House, it seemed that most of the soldiers had moved to the southern front, occupying vast territories south of the Charles in preparation to strike at the meager holdings of Eliot and Quincy in the region. To fete the boys as they prepared to go off, the Dunsterites held their sacrifice of the goat in preparation for the war.
Mather, a powerful house whose greatest weapon is their almost fanatical devotion to their god-emperor George Thampy '10, focused on fortification of their home before making a massive strike into the embattled territories. An unnamed source inside the War Ministry, only going by the notorious nickname "Sergeant Skinner," remarked that the Mather Generals had this to say: "It is time that the TRUE River Houses fight back against the massive threat posed by the heathen, Bolshevist insurgencies of the North! Even now, the Union Dorms could be occupied by a force from Lowell! They could strike at any time, threatening our wives, our children, our house masters! The Mather tower could be in flames from their bellicosity! Nay, sir…I say that we teach them to spell…their doom!”
Yet…the sleeping giant, Leverett, stands as the most potent force in the War. Their armies are gathered at the peripheries of many of the major “continents” as yellow journalist press such as the Crimson have called it. The hordes of Leverett residents stand poised to make major inroads, with a potential to seize the undefended Currier House, or seize total control over the Radcliffe Yard and adjacent territories. No one is confident to predict the outcome of this war yet; however, it seems that as the time passes the likelihood of peace slips further and further away. One UC insider going by the codename “V” remarked that “It’s only a matter of time before total war break out. Our efforts have failed, and only one house can unite all of Harvard behind it. It is time that the scores are settled...alea iacta est…the Turf War now begins.
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